Substituting Gratitude For Grief

Sounds profound, right?  First, I must give attribution - Sherry said it to me, I didn't come up with it on my own, thanks Sherry!  When I stopped drinking the first time around, grief was a big part of it - grieving the 'losses': the romanticized notions of chilled sauvignon in crystal stem on a warm day or a big fishbowl of robust cabernet on a chilly night, the idea that I could no longer 'party' or have 'fun', the acceptance that I have a 'disease' that requires constant vigilance and perpetual ego management to keep it from killing me, and a long series of 'sacrifices' associated with giving up alcohol. 

While AA helped a lot in certain respects, some of the more rigid doctrine/dogma did NOT help: the part about the more days we are away from a drink the closer we get to a drink; the idea that character defects are the core of an alcoholic's existence and they will always be there, festering, never diminishing but just being squelched one day at a time; that if I did not make X number of meetings in a given week and do X number of phone calls and perform X amount of stepwork or do an inventory or whatever, I was really just a dry drunk and in imminent danger of falling into the nearest vat of wine.  Those concepts kind of reinforced the grieving,  like I had to define my whole existence in terms of my status as a recovering alcoholic/active member of AA, and I could only be as 'good' as I was relative to those checklists. I am not AA bashing, it has many redeeming characteristics and it helped me get sober the first time and learn a lot about how to stay that way and live life sober.  But as a long term proposition, it began to feel more negative than positive for me.  

I DID learn a lot about the power of gratitude, though...and I didn't lose that info during my year long relapse.  For which I am grateful!  And I am grateful that I have been continuously sober since January 3 of this year.  I am also happily sober, not grieving any losses this time around.  And...I don't feel guilty for not calling my sponsor, not being at the homegroup and three other meetings, and not doing whatever other stepwork/homework that was 'suggested.'  IF I were trying to scale that slope right now, I would have failed miserably. 

The last three weeks have been unbelievably busy and hella stressful...I 'auditioned' for a promotion of sorts, and although I passed the audition previously (but didn't make the final cut), this time around I didn't even get the callback - and the audition 'process' is hugely challenging, monumental preparation and a high stakes interview with a whole bunch of people grilling me - did that Monday; Tuesday had a big professional appearance that also required a lot of preparation and was watched closely by clients, etc; Weds had to turn in a giant written project; the preceding weekend was an out of town professional conference (with plenty of boozing disguised as networking, not by me, thanks...did indulge in a massage, though, lovely :)).  And now I am studying intensely to take a professional certification exam (all day test) next Friday.  Did I mention my three kids who have all manner of stuff going on?  One of them asked me if they should call an Uber to take them to the dr's office...It's been a wild few weeks.  I have been running hard, and stressed, and tired, and frustrated occasionally - all the things that wine smooths out (or I used to think it did).  But I really haven't wanted to drink - a couple of fleeting thoughts, but not a serious desire.  On the contrary, actually - it's been pretty easy to recognize the wolf and just ignore him.

This probably sounds circular and self-serving but it's my blog so I can say it anyway: I am grateful that I get to be and stay sober WITHOUT having to be daily accountable like AA really encourages.  I haven't been emailing Belle like she asks people to do on the 100 day challenge; I haven't blogged or commented (although I've done a bit of late night surfing); and I've had only a tiny bit of contact with my sober blogging buddies in the last few weeks.  Not because I don't want to or think I can go forever without the support I get in the sobersphere, but because I just have not had the time or energy to do it, not even a little bit.  

And that's okay.  I'm okay.  I'm just doing life, sober.  I won't always be this busy, but I am grateful to have the opportunities that make me this busy right now - it beats the shit out of the alternative, which is not having a good job and good opportunities to advance professionally.  And I am grateful that I have three beautiful, sassy, funny, smart, independent teenagers who put up with Mom running in six different directions and even kind of understand that part of why I do it is to provide for them. So I've wanted to spend the little bit of down time that I've had in these crazy weeks talking to whichever kid had something to say, or doing a little OT baking or whatever.  Not running to an AA meeting because I 'had' to be there or even putting up a blog post so I could 'stay in touch.'  I am grateful for the perspective on that, and grateful that however and whyever it works, it's working and I am free and grateful to be free of the desire to drink - not making any sacrifices or grieving any losses, but embracing the gains and the benefits of life sober.  And the rough edges...which don't get smoothed out, but only get sharper, by the addition of booze. 

So that, my friends, is why substituting gratitude for grief is what it's all about for me today.  A relatively small shift in perspective - really just a thought - with huge benefits. If you are feeling down and despairing over not drinking, try turning on a bit of gratitude and see what happens.  Maybe it will help.  What's the worst that can happen?  

Hugs,

SR                                           

And the award goes to...

Me, haha!  Not the Oscar though, no drama here! Belle reminded me a couple of days ago that today is Day 50, woo hoo :).  Time flies. 

I can't believe it has been two weeks since I last posted!  I have been just crazy busy, with work, kids (sick, sports, school stuff - you name it) and just LIFE.  Work is showing no signs of letting up - in fact, it is one big stressfest/slog for the next two weeks.  I'm hoping for no unanticipated crises...

Anyway, I feel like I've been absent because I haven't been posting, or commenting much or emailing/texting with the handful of ladies I talk off-line with.  The last few weeks, I really haven't 'stopped' until after 8 pm, at which point I've collapsed on the couch with TV and my i-pad; I have skimmed over most of the blogs, but the i-pad is awful for commenting (pretty much limits me to Blogger, and even then it's cumbersome).  

But I haven't really been absent, I've just been present in life.  VERY present.  In a way that is not possible without sobriety.  I'm grateful for that.  Things are just So.More.Manageable.  And way less bumpy/dramatic.  Not to mention physical well-being: good sleep, better skin, clear eyes & all that good stuff. It's so simple and so hard to grasp when you are looking at it through the bottom of a wineglass.

Anyway, life is good.  I am very excited to start my personal, in-house Oscars coverage in about an hour.  It's the one night of the year that I get total and exclusive control over the TV remote, and I love it.  The movie themed menu includes grilled cheeese and tomato soup (Boyhood) and chess pie (Selma).  Can't wait!  

And we all deserve an award, right?  I think so!  Be good to you.

Hugs,

SR         

Sunday Report

Well, the wedding was fine.  A bit boring, but they had plenty of tonic and I did gorge on the appies - which was good, because the buffet dinner was a bit lackluster.  Mr. SR got a new perspective since HE had to go AF owing to his meds, that was interesting, plus it made the early exit a breeze. Small gifts.  Further to my wardrobe shortcomings, and also a reminder of the previous drunk wedding attendance, I took my 'party shoes' out to leave last night and realized that both heels had been irreparably damaged at the last wear - obviously came home so sloppy that I didn't even know.  Gah!  Luckily I had a spare pair which weren't even that uncomfortable...another small gift.  The BIG gift was coming home sober and waking up unhungover :). 

Looking forward to a nice sober Sunday - taking one of my daughters to a women's college softball game this afternoon.  She loves it and I love the girlpower, plus it's a beautiful day here.  Nothing not to like.  We have plans to make a cake before we go - sort of a new hobby for me.  I like to cook but baking is my short suit (something about the precision/patience just doesn't match up with my skill set).  Not sure I really *need* to be doing a lot of baking (or, more accurately, consuming the outcomes) but it's fun and everyone likes the product.  Today is a lemon pound cake, trying to perfect the recipe from an effort a few weeks ago.  

I like and am grateful for ordinary Sundays with ordinary plans.  It is such a refreshing counterpoint to the doomy Sunday that invariably followed the cut-loose Saturday night (as if the preceding six nights were somehow hold backs...not so much!).  On those ugly Sundays, just trudging through the little chores was so exhausting...needing another weekend to recover from the weekend.  Now I get to enjoy the actual weekend as a time to slow down a bit and rejuvenate.  Sober life is good!  

Hugs,

SR            

There is NO Shame or Stigma in Getting, Being and Staying Sober!

None whatsoever.  But there is plenty of shame and stigma in being drunk, hungover, irresponsible to our children, spouses and friends, and uncaring for ourselves.

That is all!  (channeling Miranda Priestly voice and demeanor :)).  Now off to the wedding, in ill-fitting out of date gown, tight shoes and carrying clutch bag borrowed from teenage daughter (decidedly NOT a Miranda Priestly look haha). With large go-cup of tonic water and my trusty i-phone (so I can read sober blogs, comments and email (sobrietyrising (at) gmail if you want to write, i'd love to hear from you!), and 110% determination to arrive home sober tonight.  

Have a great sober Saturday night!  And don't let anyone or anything make you feel shamed or stigmatized for choosing not to pour addictive, damaging poison into your body.

Hugs, 

SR      

It is what it is

Happy Sober Weekend!  It's a beautiful day here - sunny and crisp cool, but no freezing in my part of the world.  Kid sports are low key and I just get to putter a bit and try to catch up on some work and domestic chores/life dealing.  Nice and quiet, the way I like it.

Tonight we have to go to a wedding.  Mr. SR and I have reached the stage in life where you go to weddings of your friends' children, argh.  This one will be glitzy and all manner of fancy booze will flow - probably trays of bubbles before the ceremony, premium call bar, high end wines, you get it.  I am hoping they have a LOT of tonic water.   I did enough of these types of weddings in my first sober stint to be pretty 'skilled' at it (main tip: enjoy the food, especially the cute little hors d'oeuvre, that would be missed if wedding was being treated as guzzlefest; secondary tip: do whatever it takes to get OUT after a couple of hours, don't get trapped into the wee hours, sheer torture after about 9 pm).  Tonight will be extra easy because Mr. SR has been sick and is taking a formulary of meds that will preclude HIS drinking...which means he'll have limited patience for all the hoopla and the whole thing will be less than three hours.  Perfect for me (well not as perfect as just skipping it and sending a gift, but that's not an option, so...). 

We went to a wedding about halfway through the 'year of unpleasantness' (my extended relapse).  Started with warm up wine while doing make-up, more wine in go-cups, interminably long Roman Catholic mass (no bubbles on trays before THAT service), then got to the hotel for the reception and Mr. SR thought a drink(s) in the bar was a good idea.  Followed by three or four booze soaked hours at reception, which are sort of a fuzzy memory, followed by a more memorable hangover.  And of course I DO remember the various snipings, rants, miscues and all the other communications snafus with Mr. SR - those were a hallmark of a good drunk, which is never fully complete without at least a measure of domestic drama.  

IF I feel some delusional nostalgia for the drinking days or the wedding bubbles tonight, all I have to do is pull up that file from the drunk wedding about a year ago.  I don't want or need that, and the whole thing confirmed what I already knew - booze doesn't enhance that scene for me, it makes it worse.  Way worse.  In a perfect world, I'd probably just skip 99% of those occasions - my sober self is a bit introverted and could do without all that, easily - but I don't live in a perfect world.  So I'll go to this thing, and if I am not careful, I might see the good or even enjoy most or all of it.  But I'll do it sober no matter what.  It is what it is.

I'm grateful that today it doesn't feel like a sacrifice, it feels more like a blessing.  I wish that perspective for anyone who's struggling with the idea that their social life 'needs' alcohol to make it work or be fun.  Really, if you 'need' a drink to make it fun, do you 'need' to be there at all?  I don't, but I CAN do it if I have to (like I do tonight) - and when I have a choice, the answer is probably not, I'd just as soon be home with my kids and the cats and some Netflix.  I like that.  A lot better than the cocktail scene and all its wreckage.

Hugs,

SR                          

More housekeeping :)..and thoughts on the end of Dry January

Yikes.  The ALL CAPS post, eek.  Won't try to post from my i-pad again, at least for a while.  Just looked at how to change from Blogger to Wordpress and it was a bit overwhelming.  I think I will just have to master Blogger at least for a little while.

Well, otherwise all good here.  And while I am not diligently counting days, I am aware that today is Day 30.  Feels good to have tucked that first month under my belt.  Really the blink of an eye, in so many ways, but I also know that just a day (especially the first few days) of not drinking is pretty challenging for those of us who have been overdrinking, or who know we have a problem with alchohol or who just have question as to whether it's taking up more space in our lives than it deserves.  

I KNOW that no alcohol in my life is what I need and want, and what is best for me, my kids and my work.  And I resolved all doubts about 'moderating' in my extended relapse, so I am mercifully ree of those lingering doubts.  Which is a bit of a silver lining for that 'lost year', I suppose.  It is what it is, if there's something good to take away from it, great.  But I don't need to try that again.  Happy to know that and be accepting of it today.

I understand a bunch of folks in the UK probably 'celebrated' the end of Dry January over the weekend; there are plenty of folks in the US who 'took the pledge' as a New Year's resolution and a bunch of them ended that over the weekend, either on general principle or as part of participating in Super Bowl festivities.  If you are one of those who picked up at the end of a month of abstinence, how do you feel now?  Do you want to keep drinking or do you regret doing it?  

When I picked up my first drink after 2.5 years, I was mixed up about it.  On the one hand, I was like 'yay, I finally shut that wolf up and it feels good' and (more weightily/darkly) on the other hand, I KNEW that there was nothing good to come from starting/keeping drinking.  But since I had 'broken the seal', it was like, 'oh, well, it's been a couple of years, you weren't that bad, everyone else is doing it, you can handle a few glasses here and there, you need it to relieve stress, blah blah.'  Total BS of course.  But it took a long time, a lot of hangovers, wasted time/wasted LIFEtime, and a lot of guilt/shame/remorse to get back on the sober horse.  

I'm grateful for another chance and I intend to make the most of it.  No matter what.  I am not, NOT missing out on anything by being sober, it is just the opposite.  I didn't really believe that the first time around, but now I KNOW it.  I'm very (VERY) grateful for that - it makes this time around quite a bit easier in many respects.  I wrote a list of things I learned from relapse, but am too Blog-illiterate to insert one of those cool 'here' links.  But it is here, right here on my blog, from earlier in January.  And I can check it anytime I have questions about whether a drink is worth it.  Today I know it's not.  I hope I remember that everyday. 

Happy Sober Monday!

Hugs,

SR              

Habits & housekeeping

    Happy sober Sunday!!  I'm happy to be away from the Super Bowl crazy - euphemism for guzzlefest.  Not missing any of THAT.  

They say habits take three weeks to make and to break.  Not sure if that is 100% universal but it has some merit.  I'm close to a month of not drinking and it got a lot more habitual 2-3 weeks out to just pour a tonic or Pellegrino without thinking about it.  And I've been able to lay off the choco almonds a bit too (not altogether, no ma'am!).  And when I started drinking after long term sobriety, it took about three weeks to get all the way back to where I'd left off. So there may be a kernel of truth in that 3 week theory.  One thing that's absolutely true is that it gets exponentially easier to not drink each day that I don't.  I'm grateful for that and hope to avoid any more day 1s   Because that 2-3 weeks is not fun enough to learn what I already know:  there's no 2 glasses for me.  One's too many and will never be enough.  So none is best and keeps me happy and healthy.  I like that.  

On to housekeeping.  I started this blog with zero knowledge of blogging besides my extensive lurking history.  Turns out Blogger is kind of a clunker, who knew?  Some folks - a couplewhose blogs I am following -have emailed me to say they can't comment or have trouble getting to my blog.  When I get really ambitious and motivated, I may look into switching platforms.   Seems a bit daunting.  In the meantime, I wonder if it would help to start in the blog by just going to www.sobrietyrising.blogspot.com?  I don't know and I am regretful that I didn't start on Wordpress, but I love getting comments and communicating with my sober sisters.  So i hope  maybe this helps.  

 I don't have much else interesting to say tonight, except that I am so happy to be sober tonight, even with the world's worst head cold and the rest of the hood getting super bowl snockered!  I am not missing out on ANYTHING but I am experiencing everything.  

With a clear head and no hangover on the horizon.  

Be good to you!

Hugs,

SR

What I learned about sobriety the first time around (and got to keep for this time)

Happy Sober Sunday!  I had dinner last night with the woman who was my first AA sponsor - she truly hand held me from Day 1 and through the first few days/weeks/months, and she taught me so much about living sober and maintaining a spiritual perspective.  When I got home, I surfed a few sober blogs and saw that a few folks were restarting at Day 1.  Started thinking about what Day 1 is like when it's not your first Day 1, and in keeping with my prior post about 'what I learned about relapse,' I thought it would be good to write about what I learned about sobriety the first time around.  I didn't lose all of that information, either, and it's helpful to me now.  So, in no particular order...

• Mostly what I learned in the first few weeks was how to just not drink - how to 'unhabituate' from wine o'clock and not do something I basically had done almost every day for the preceding 25 years or so, save pregnancy and the early months with little babies.  Unlearning the drink habit was very difficult; I really had to focus on substitute drinks, minute by minute attitude adjustments, 'this too shall pass' and just living through a series of teeth gritted evenings and events (all the 'sober firsts' - first work cocktail event, first biz trip, first boozy family get together, first St. Patrick's Day, you get the idea). Luckily I got sober in March so by the time the silly season came, I had enough sober references that the Thanksgiving/Christmas stuff was not horribly challenging.   This time around, I have the benefit of knowing that this too (whatever THIS is) shall pass, and that picking up a drink will not improve or solve anything, although it definitely will make it worse.  So the 'unhabituating' has seemed a bit easier.  It probably also helps that my relapse lasted about a year, after more than 2.5 years sober, so the habit was perhaps less 'ingrained' than it was when I stopped the first time after decades.  That's not to say it wasn't as difficult to confront and act on the need to stop, only that I had a shorter immediate 'habitual history.'  And I had a sharper awareness of why I wanted to be sober and that I could get and stay sober, something I didn't have the first time around.

• After I got through that initial phase of 'what, I can't drink?!  why not...it's raining, it's not raining, I am happy, I am sad, the cat peed on the couch, the cat purred, the kids are fighting, the milk is sour, that steak needs a good cabernet or it won't be edible...' (there's ALWAYS a reason to drink when you are drinking!), I started to learn about actually living sober - dealing with all the feelings, emotions, situations, responses that I had managed/eradicated with wine.  That is where things get both tricky and rewarding.  Tricky in the initial execution, because it's a shock to confront emotional situations without the ubiquitous edge-smoothing elixir; rewarding because once I lived through several challenges without numbing out, I knew it could be done.  I also knew that I was becoming a better person for it - the real, feeling, responsible adult person I was meant to be, not the person wine was letting me cheat out of living this life.  I know that real, feeling, responsible adult woman a lot better than I did when I first put down the drink in March 2011, because I lived with/as her until October 2013.  I started to like her, trust her judgment, empathize with her, forgive her for the unchangeable past and give her credit for accomplishments, hopes and dreams.  As soon as I poured wine down my throat, that woman retreated to the shadows, behind guilt, shame, remorse, disappointment and hangovers.  BUT...she didn't leave, she just got quiet and fearful UNTIL I kicked the booze out.  Once that was done, I almost immediately got back in touch with my real self, not my wino self.  The awareness I got in those 2.5 sober years didn't leave, it just got wine-logged for a year or so.  I'm grateful for that.

• I learned a LOT about the value and power of gratitude.  One of the things that really helped me string together the first few weeks, then months, then a couple of years, of sobriety was that I became very mindful of how fortunate I am, how great this life is, how many gifts and blessings I receive an a daily, sometimes hourly basis.  Sometimes big things (I am fortunate to have three beautiful, intelligent, funny, vibrant children; I make a nice living; Mr. SR is a loving husband and a good man); sometimes little things (listening to the squirrels chatter in the trees on my street; seeing a beautiful rainbow on my drive home from work; hearing birds chirp first thing in the morning and not needing to go shoot them because the chirping is killing my hangover head).  The key is understanding that a grateful heart is almost never a drinking heart.  And that booze just drowns out all the things that are truly good about this life. I saved that file from the first time around, so I don't have to 'learn' it from the beginning, I just have to refresh it and keep that thought at the forefront.

• Perspective is everything.  When I got sober the first time around, I was very preoccupied with my own situation (Look at me, going to a cocktail party AND NOT DRINKING; how could Mr. SR possibly say such a thing to me when he knows I am NOT DRINKING; these kids are beastly even though I am NOT DRINKING, how dare they), when really - NEWSFLASH - it's not all about me.  Everyone else has plenty of their own shit to deal with, and most of what they are doing is what they have to do to deal with their own shit.  They are not primarily concerned with my shit, and 99% of the time, they could not care less whether I am drinking or not.  That's my story, not theirs.  Getting some perspective on (and trying to empathize with) what is going on with the other gal, guy, or group is very helpful.  If you are feeling down, angry, crappy, grumpy, try to do understand the bigger picture and do something helpful for someone else - it's amazing how this will turn your head and probably get you right out of your own shit and back on the sunnier side of the street.  This is another file that was not totally lost, just dampened and in need of a refresh.

I could go on a lot longer with more like this, but these were a few of the fundamentals.  I suppose the bottom line is that the most important thing I learned the first time around is that for me, sober is better.  Way better, in fact the difference between life and living a wine-stained shadow of life.  I also learned that being sober is not a state of deprivation or missing out, it's the other way around. That's a lesson I get to short-circuit this time around -- it took a while

the first time around, or maybe I never really figured it out and that's a big part of why I relapsed anyway.  But I know it today, and today is what matters (another little lesson learned...).  

Anyway, I am hoping this might help me remember why I am doing this again and that Day 1 (twice this time around!) was very worth it. I also hope it helps anyone struggling with another Day 1, or a series of Day 1's.  You haven't lost everything, you just have to dust off and get back on the sober horse.  The sooner the better, because life awaits and we only get one.  Don't drown it.

Hugs,

SR       

                                                        

What I learned from relapse....

Well, this is my second business trip in my first three weeks of sobriety.  At least this one didn't include the polar vortex!  I am kind of proud of myself for this, because at least for me, business trips can lend themselves to freewheeling drinking.  Not now.  Tonight's mocktail was iced Vietnamese coffee - enough caffeine for a small country, plus sugary milk thick enough to stand up by itself.  Yum :).

I drove 4 hours for this trip and listened to a couple of Bubble Hour podcasts.  One was on a topic near and dear to my heart - relapse.  Most of the show was devoted to the 11 (eleven!) stages of relapse, ten of which were days/weeks/months before the actual drinking part.  It was a little esoteric to me, a lot of the stages (anxiety, depression, rebellious thinking, impatience) are daily if not hourly events for me, and I don't necessarily agree that experiencing those things is a step to relapse.  But I had a relapse after 2.5 years of sobriety (which they were calling long-term, not sure I think 2.5 years is really 'long-term' either...but everybody has an opinion/some expertise, or at least valuable experience).  And since my relapse lasted a little bit longer than a year, I feel like I learned some things.  I thought it would be good to write them down while I was thinking about them so here they are, in no particular order:

1. It doesn't take long to get back to where you left off when you got sober.  In fact, whatever 'fun party' delusions you had about that drink are just that: delusions, because the 'fun party' part is quite fleeting (if it even occurs) and is quickly replaced by that 'grim determination' kind of drinking that happened at the end when you realized it was not really that much fun at all, but instead was like walking around with a stinking, growling 800 pound gorilla sitting on your back all day every day. 
2. It's worse when you do get there, because knowing how much better it is to be sober (and how hard it is to go through the first few days/weeks of getting sober) makes the remorse/guilt/shame exponentially worse than it was before you ever got sober in the first place.
3. Moderation is a joke.  If you reached a point where you had to decide to stop and stay stopped before, it is because you CAN'T moderate - or at least that was my experience.  Being sober for some extended period doesn't change that.  It may even make it worse.
4.  Your kids will know, and they will be disappointed.  Maybe scared, angry, confused too.  But definitely disappointed.  In you.
5. You know there's a way out, but it's hard (VERY hard) to take that way out.  And it is not as 'fresh' as it was the first time.  There's something almost innocent about being a first timer (sort of like being pregnant with your first child), and you don't get it the second time around.  You just know you have to do it and get on with it (sort of like being pregnant with your second child).  The silver lining is that at least you know it's worth doing the second time around, which was something I didn't really KNOW the first time around.  I'm grateful for that, because now at least I don't have that question.  I do know it's worth doing and I know I don't want to have to start over AGAIN.  I know that better than I did the first time I got sober.
6. It's not worth it.  It took me a year plus to stop again, and I can't get that year back or undo the wrongs that happened during that year.  I can't change it either, but I can use the experience going forward.  
7. Lots of people say they may have another drunk in them, but they don't know if they have another recovery in them.  That question looms large during relapse and doesn't make it easier to quit again.  I am grateful that I have another chance and I don't want to experience that question again.

I guess the other thing I learned is that there is more than one way to skin a cat.  I grew disenchanted with certain aspects of AA after a year or so, and while I learned a lot in the rooms, I didn't want to do that all again.  The blogosphere has given me a great environment of support and opportunities to offer support, and it has also enlightened me to different perspectives on sobriety.  Many of the perspectivves 'fit' me better than the 'one size fits all' dogma that prevails in a lot of AA meetings.  And I like the freedom and 'peer compatibility' that I've found here, something I didn't find in AA.  So I am happy and grateful to be here tonight.  

So what I learned from relapse is that I am better sober and I want to stay that way.  I like being sober and I am NOT suffering by getting and staying that way; I am NOT missing out on anything or being deprived. But I was missing out and being deprived when I was drinking. I was missing out on life.  Ansd when I was doing it 'in relapse', I KNEW I was missing out.  I don't want to miss out on anything else!  So I'll get to wake up sober tomorrow and drive another four hours with no hangover, and maybe even listen to some more Bubble Hour.  But mostly I'll get to be alive and free of the beast. 

I hope  you are as happy with your sobriety as I am tonight.  And if you are flirting with the idea of maybe just one, I hope my list helps you.

Happy Sober Friday.

Hugs,

SR
 

Argh, another white knuckle night and it's early!

This is perilously close to a big part of where I started drinking after 2.5 years of sobriety.  My eldest and my hubs (her stepdad) just cannot get along, and it is UGLY in the house when they are at active war.  A lot of the time, she just hides in her room (that's not good either but it goes a long way to maintain peace), but every now and then something happens and it's just pervasive/unescapable. She's in the peak of adolescence so a lot in the way of misbehavior, rebellion, defiance; he is the King of the Castle and honestly just does.not.like her, not one bit.  I am so, so weary of this.  I was weary of it at the end of 2012, didn't pick up booze til almost end of 2013 - that numbed out a lot of the warfare, smoothed some of the rougher edges, just helped me not care - they call it fuckitol for a reason, right?

And yes, there's been the requisite parade of therapists,etc.  The good news is daughter got some benefit from some of it; bad news is hubs refuses to participate.  Clapping with one hand is impossible.

So they are at active war, I don't even fully understand the bona fides of the underpinnings, although I am pretty sure neither one is right or an angel.  I am also well aware of who the adult is, and it's not her.  And that I am her only active parent.  Do I have to divorce him to do the right thing by her?  Do I stay with him and know that she's getting a raw deal?  Or am I even asking the right questions?  Will see shrink next week...not soon enough.  I wonder if he could just move in my house for a while?  Haha, then he'd go crazy too.

Trying very hard to remember that not drinking is the best (only) way to handle this and be the responsible parent, mom, wife and adult that I want and need to be and can't be if I'm drunk/drinking.  But I am shaking with apprehension at what I know is going to be an awful night, and just crying with advance anger/fear/heartbreak.  For my daughter, for my other kids, and a little bit for me too.  Life's not fair and we don't all make good decisions all the time.  I don't trust myself enough to make any BIG decisions right now, so the one (0nly) decision I can make (MUST make) is not to drink tonight.  It's hard.  It would be easier to drown this in a bottle of cab.  I can't, I know that.  I won't.

 Feel very weak and lonely, not to mention raw and just awful upset.  Off to get started on my liter of tonic and probably my weight in chocolate.  I'd welcome any comments or insight or support tonight or whenever.  Or even just positive vibes - I need them!  Thanks for listening. 

Hugs, 

SR               

What a difference a day makes...

When I posted Thursday evening after successfully navigating the cocktail party and all that, I was all bunnies and rainbows.  Then Friday happened and by the end of THAT day, it took every ounce of resolve I had to not throw in the towel.  Mr. SR came home half in the bag (luckily, he was all done with the guzzling when he got home so he didn't keep drinking once he got here), I was completely worn out, and everything was just on edge.  Less about really wanting to *drink* and more about just wanting to escape/numb out/smooth the rough edges.  I kept telling myself alcohol would do nothing to solve any of the immediate problems or make anything better, but I could definitely hear Wolfie.  It took a liter of tonic water, 4 reeses peanut butter cups and a king size bag of peanut m&ms to shut him up and maintain my, er, focus, but I didn't drink.  

Saturday was predictably a much better day, all the more so for not being hungover and all that.  It's good to realize the 'sober reinforcements,' especially when they come on the heels of a white knuckle night.  I had a great day with family, spent most of it at kid sporting event which was lots of fun, and just had an overall pleasant Saturday, hanging with my kids and doing mundane stuff.  If I had given in to Wolfie on Friday night, it would have been way different - as in unpleasant, exhausted, irritated, guilty, nothing good and just have to trudge through.  I'm happy I didn't have that experience.

This afternoon will be perhaps a bit of a nerve challenge - Mr. SR is having some folks over to 'watch the game' -- the TV will be on, and I get to prepare food for 10 people and clean up after them, but the 'gamewatching' is mostly an excuse to guzzle beer and yell a lot.  I really don't enjoy football very much (truthfully I despise it and it takes FOREVER) and the yelling gets on my nerves, nevermind the guzzlefest in my house.  But...it will only last a few hours and then it will be over.  I can do anything for 6 hours or less.  I won't let that irritation ruin the rest of my weekend. I just won't.  Keep telling myself that, anyway.  I don't need another 6 lbs of chocolate today....   

So much of this is keeping perspective and maintaining positive thoughts, not giving in to the negative.  Perspective = I have so much to be grateful for that enduring a bit of aggravation is really not a big thing.  Positive = remembering that I haven't lost anything and won't lose anything by not drinking to 'get through' a bit of aggravation - I am free of the beast, and happy to be that way, and I can stay that way just by not pouring booze down my throat.  It is an exercise in self-defeat to view at negatively, as in 'oh, I can't drink like everyone else, I'm missing out/it would make things so much easier.'  I'm NOT missing out and it WON'T make anything easier - to the contrary, I will miss out and it will make things harder if I drink.  I know that today, and sometimes I just have to remember what comes first - perspective and the positive, the negative is just Wolfie bs and seeing it from the wrong side of the coin.  

There, I feel better already.  Off to make the chili.  Happy sober Sunday everyone!!  

Oh, did I mention that it's day 16 already?  I haven't been diligently counting, but I am aware that the last drink was two Fridays ago, so that makes today Day 16.  Yay me, and yay all of us that jumped in our sober cars right around New Years (or even before!).  

Hugs,

SR                   

So another week just happened....

How is it Thursday night already??  This week has flown by in a frenzy of mostly work-driven busy-ness, with a bit of domestic chaos (computer network collapsed, got a new pet that has caused all manner of commotion with existing pets and other household residents, kids have mid-term exams, stuff like that).  The new pet has made me occasionally question whether I've gone from drunk to just plain crazy, but my son earnestly made a case for why he wanted and would take care of this new addition, and I am seeing that he quite possibly was right about it.  So maybe just a little crazy and maybe kind of a good thing.  Time will tell.

It's been almost a week since my last post, but I've been 'drive-by' lurking on the sobersphere in my spare moments - sort of like fast food grazing on little tidbits of inspiration, reinforcement and good humor.  This online community is a real gift.  A few folks even checked on me this week since I've 
been 'absent,' and that makes me feel cared for and accountable - I really REALLY appreciate and love that.

I just counted (since I am not compulsively tracking the days, which somehow makes it seem like they are going faster and easier, or maybe it's just this week's frenzy) and it's the end of Day 12.  I feel liberated, peaceful and happy, despite the wacky week.  I had to attend a work cocktail reception this evening and I honestly was not at all tempted or annoyed that others were throwing back wines with wild abandon.  I WAS a bit annoyed that there was no tonic water or even any seltzer/club soda, but I managed to suck down sugary Sprite and enjoy all the yummy hors d'oeuvres (something I rarely managed when I was throwing back wines with wild abandon at cocktail receptions).  Tonight I realized that I didn't WANT to drink; what I WANTED was to leave after about an hour of dopey small talk with mostly strangers.  So I did.  

Newsflash: It's okay to go to a cocktail party and leave after an hour.  Normal drinkers do that a lot, like after their first or second wine.  It's even okay to go and not drink alcohol, and I am not the first or only person ever to do that (another revelation, haha).  I NEVER did that, always stayed longer than I meant to and drank more than I intended, and usually just drank more when I got home to recover from the 'anxiety' of the party.  We won't even get into some of my more memorable jackass shenanigans that started with the office/business cocktail affair.  Yeah, that was fun.  Not really.  Not at all.  And especially not afterwards.    

I'm happy to have the perspective I have tonight.  Hope it stays with me for the next time I have to go to a drinking event, or whenever Wolfie starts whispering lies about how just one or two would be okay, just this once.  I haven't been hearing him the last few days, but I have been reading about how he's stalking one of my sober sisters. I wish he would just leave her the hell alone! He is a big fat liar and bearer of misery.  He's quiet in my world tonight and I am very grateful for that.  I hope he stays away from all of you too, and that everyone is off to a nice sober weekend with lovely sleeps and bright-eyed, clear skinned hangover free wake-ups. 

Hugs, 

SR             

One week!

Well, that's it - a whole week sober for the first time since October 2013.  And it's been a doozy of a week: crazy biz trip which included being around a fair amount of drinking people as well as usual biz trip stressors.  I have consumed enough tonic water to insure that I will be malaria immune for the rest of my life!  I didn't really know that I liked tonic water but I do.  Maybe there is something to Belle's theory of bitter is better.  Anyway, that's my #1 mocktail for now, with or without lime.  

The week thing is interesting as a function of counting days.  When I got sober the first time, the day counting was huge as it typically is in AA - single digit days, 30 day chips, 60 day chips, 90 day chips, etc to the grand finale of the 1 year medallion, with cake and everything.  I really liked getting those little pieces (and the cake, or in my case because the home group met in the am, it was breakfast pastries) and I was  compulsive about the day/week/month/year counting.  But it was always like I was counting the time I had been depriving myself, successful in avoiding a temptation or made some sort of sacrifice (wearing of the hair shirt, carrying the cross, I dunno...but a subtle negative connotation).  

This time around, I think I don't care so much about the day count.  Obviously Day 1 was key (so much so I had to do it more than once to get it right, haha), and I think the first couple of days are just so touchy that it's hard not to be hyperaware of the time that's passed/what time it is.  And of course, I don't think I'll just forget that I stopped drinking on January 2, 2015.  But I do think the perspective of 'I am happily free of the beast and I DON'T want it even though I CAN have it' (mangling my interpretation of Jason Vale's message) lends itself to more of a positive and empowered focus than 'I've got a disease that wants to kill me but I've managed to conquer it for this many 24 hrs by not doing something I really want to do.'  Does this make any sense?

Anyway, I am happily free of the beast today and I've felt that way for the last few days (it's not like a week is an eternity anyway, maybe in a few days I'll have that hair shirt on).  And of course any period of sobriety is worth celebrating for someone who struggled with putting the drink down, so I'm not knocking milestones (or day counts for that matter).  I just feel a different perspective and I think it augurs well for me to feel good and strong and happy with not drinking, that it's a choice I have made and am happily and voluntarily living with.  Not something I 'must' do because I have a disease.  

I like Vale's theory that the disease stops once you stop feeding it (ie, addiction is only a sickness as long as you are taking the drug; if you stop taking it, you stop/cure the disease).  It's really just how I think about it - either way, the name of the game is not drinking, and whatever thought process works to that end is a successful one.

It's not just the thoughts though.  What's been really great for me this time is really knowing I am not alone and that there are lots of women all over the world very much like me doing very much the same thing for very much the same reasons under very similar circumstances.  That was something that I just never really found in AA.  There were NOT very many women who had teenage (or any) kids living at home.  There were a lot of other kinds of people and a lot of them didn't have jobs.  Some did, but more didn't.  And I found both of those differences meaningful after a while.  They say not to compare but to identify, but I felt there were at least as many differences as common identifiers - with VERY limited exception, the only real thing I had in common with most of the folks in AA was a problem with alcohol.  So here in the sobersphere, I feel much more surrounded by people I can REALLY relate to on that level as well as the other aspects of our lives - kids, jobs, husbands, friends, neighbors, socializing issues.  I am grateful for and excited about that.  It just feels more authentically supportive, I guess.

So I'm at the end of my first week sober and very happy to be there, and I'll remain generally aware of the days that pass, but I think I may drift away from counting them.  We'll see.  Now off to watch some silly TV and settle into my couch with cats and a kid or two, maybe some chocolate and probably a bit more tonic water :).  I'll go to bed sober and wake up deliciously rested and bright eyed and happy to have a weekend!  Sobriety rocks and so does the sobersphere.  I hope everyone has a great sober evening and a lovely weekend! 

Hugs,

SR                                   

Day 4 ending on a good note :)

I am trying to orient away from 'it's a burden/sacrifice/torture' to 'not-drink' and orient in the direction of 'it's great to be alcohol (and hangover) free and why would I pour a poisonous, addictive substance down my throat anyway'?  You might see a little Jason Vale here...I'm about halfway through his book and really liking his message.  Not to AA bash, but I like the counterpoint to the concept that if you identify as having a problem with alcohol, you are an ego-driven mess who will always be broken and can hope only for a reprieve in 24 hour units that are doled out almost like a penance.  If you do enough penance, you might get to be happy, joyous and free.  But according to Vale, you can be happy, joyous and free RIGHT NOW - just by kicking the addictive poison to the curb and getting on with life as it happens, sometimes great, sometimes so-so, sometimes stormy.  I like that concept, and after a few days without drinking, it does get easier not to reflexively just pick up, or maybe the 'cravings' just subside.  And I know from my long term sober stint that everything DOES get better without alcohol, and that no problem or unpleasant situation I've ever had was ever solved or improved by adding alcohol.  Quite the contrary.  Anyway, I'm rambling, but the point is I like the idea of I'm happy and free NOW, not at some time in the future after I've done some allotment of penance.

So today I AM happy and free.  I had an unexpected positive development on the work front that will be a near term challenge with a potential meaningful reward, and I am excited about that.  And my sober penpal (you know who you are :), thank you!) helped me remember that the VERY BEST way to meet this challenge will be sober!  I also have a biz trip thru the rest of the week, which I am not that excited about because where I am going is COLD, but which will be a good work experience and not a difficult 'not-drinking' situation; I'm thankful for that.  I may not post for the next couple of days because I may just run out of time, but I'll update by the end of the week at latest.

Off to my tonic and lime (this week's mocktail, which I'm enjoying even though it's kind of plain), and to feed the masses.  Witching hour is just beginning but I feel stronger today than I have in the previous days; I think it will be okay :).  I KNOW it will be okay as long as I keep the poison out of me.

I am so grateful and happy for all the support I have received in the sobersphere.  Thank you all!  I hope everyone has a great sober evening and night.

Hugs,

SR            

Day 3!

Which is one day further than than I got last week after starting New Year's Day as Day 1.   Feeling pretty good today, despite cranky teens not wanting to go back to school, braces coming apart, sick, etc.  Went to Cross Fit this am, which definitely helps.  Read some more Jason Vale last night, which also definitely helps.  And checked in with many sober bloggers which definitely, definitely helps.  Thank you all!!

Now must just get through the rest of Monday without thinking that I am actually missing out on something by not being able to guzzle a bottle of wine while preparing dinner.  I know I am NOT missing out on anything (except an ugly hangover and crappy day tomorrow); instead I am gaining something(s): being present with aforementioned cranky teens, a good sleep (not the pass-out/wake up at 3 am in cold sweat with catbox mouth kind of 'sleep'), and feeling good about me and living in my life without pouring poison down my throat.  

The witching hour will be challenging, probably, so I have a rescue kit on hand of crunchy snacks, fizzy AF drinks and chocolate.  That's okay, though, it beats the wine. And it is true that the witching hour phenomenon does decrease after 7 pm.  It just does, if you hang in long enough.   

Looking forward to the rest of today and to Day 4.  Wishing you all a great sober day!

Hugs,

SR

     

Day 2 again and a good start

So I didn't get to Day 3, having 'slipped' into Mr. SR's bottle of wine on Friday night.  Of course I felt awful all the way around, but once I started 'chatting' with some of you I felt better in that many have shared my experience of multiple Day 1's and everyone gave me support and encouragement to just start over and not beat myself up too much.  Thank you everyone in the sobersphere!!

So yesterday as Day 1 wasn't too bad.  Mr. SR has decided to be AF at least for a while and that helps.  I know it's MY problem, my journey, but having wine all over my kitchen and literally right up in my face is a challenge I'd really like to put off for at least a few days.  Very grateful for that, hope it lasts a little while.  

I laid in a little sobriety rescue kit for the evening - a fair amount of chocolate and Mrs. D's recent concoction of ginger, lime and seltzer.  Got myself a sober penpal - awesome! - thank you, you know who you are :).  Was great to have a little email exchange at end of the evening.  Went to bed early and read some more of Jason Vale's book, which I am enjoying.  Very positive and affirming, and a very different perspective than AA.  I like getting away a bit from the idea that I am fundamentally flawed and perpetually fighting, and moving to the idea that the real problem is alcohol, elimination of which really won't detract from anything and will improve everything.  We all agree on that, right??  Yes, I thought so :).   

Today is off to a good start - got up early and Mr. SR rallied the younger teens (older one sleeps until forever, gah) to help remove Christmas ornaments, tree, sweep mountains of needles out and even fully clean the garage - woo hoo!  I love having the feeling of a really nice clean house and even an uncluttered, unjunked garage.  A good start, at least metaphorically.  Now off to do some errands with my younger daughter, something we both enjoy.  And then I will prepare the big Sunday dinner for all, plus my bonus daughter and her hubs (who - wait for it, yippee - are both AF!!).  So I feel good and strong and positive and ready to get to Day 3.  

And I am most appreciative for all the comments, the support and the very fact that I know I am not alone.  Thank you so very much my sisters in the sobersphere!

Hugs, 

SR           

Day 2 and glowing already

Well, 'glowing' might be a little hyperbolic.  But I am feeling brighter and I started off the day with a nice glowing green juice (aka glop) from my nutri-bullet.  So much nicer than just gulping pints and pints of cold water to slake that hangover thirst.  Yesterday was manageable, aided in large part by copious blog reading, some time on the Living Sober site and a fair amount of leftover holiday junk food.  Also I went to bed early :) and read about a third of Jason Vale's book which I liked, sort of a nice antidote/counterpoint to the AA disease model.  And for the first time in a long time, I did NOT wake up at 3 am with the sweats AND when I did wake up at 7, I felt good and clear headed.  Lovely!  

Reality is progressively marching back.  No office today, but I have work to do at home (next week is a big week with travel, big presentation, all kinds of stuff) and I am trying to undo the chaos of Christmas, etc and pack all that away.  Those tasks are so much easier to do un-hungover....the hangover lethargy is just lethal, and so painful.  Today's freedom from it inspires me to 'live another day.'  Sober that is.  

It's not worth the hangovers, the lost nights, the ruined next days, the abject misery of it all.  And for what?  My last drinking days (hell, almost all of my drinking days, particularly after my sober stint) were plagued with guilt and shame from the first sip of wine.  It didn't even taste or feel that good; it just operated to numb out some rough edges associated with a busy life - kids bickering, oh a glass of white will mute that a bit; Mr. SR is late for dinner or doing something annoying, a second glass will eliminate that irritation; stressed from work, let's transition to red; and now for the dinner, one more glass of red (for health benefits, haha or maybe to tune out the ongoing arguments of family members).  Followed by yet another glass to tidy up and 'relax' from all the prior activity.  Then the headachy going to sleep/passing out (always alarming to find that I cannot remember what I read on my kindle the night before), the 3 AM sweaty wake-up and the interminable hungover day to follow.  Good riddance to all THAT! 

So for today, I will just hold onto those memories and motivations and cobble another day on here.  My kids come home tomorrow and they'll undoubtedly bring some emotional challenges (that's what three teenagers do), but I know I can roll with those so much better sober than I ever did drunk or hungover.  I will stay strong and mindful.

Have a great sober day everyone!

Hugs,

SR          

Moderation Attempt Failed...again

Well, that's misleading - I knew it would never succeed.  Because I had 25 years of trying to moderate before I got sober the first time in early 2011.  So when I 'slipped' in late 2013, the wine (and Mr. SR) told me I could try to moderate -- after all, I had been 100% sober for 2.5 years, surely the willpower would work, right?  Well if you are reading this, chances are you know that willpower goes down the drain with the first sip of wine.  At least it does for me - the old saw about one is too many, and there is simply not enough to be enough is absolutely true. 

So I'm trying again.  Starting today.  Well-equipped:  

• solid hangover   - check, even have the shaky sweaty thing along with tom-tom club in head and unstable gut 
• lots of leftover yummy holiday food and sweets - check
• plenty of AF treaty drinks (flavored pellegrino; sodas; fresh fruit to put in seltzer) - check
• THE DESIRE TO STOP THIS INSANITY NOW - CHECK.

Some of the reasons why I want to do this and need to do it now:

• My kids - they need a reliable sober mom, not an unpredictable lurching drunk
• My health - my liver hurts; I feel like crap all the time and have budding gastro issues
• My looks (yes, hello vanity, you are a friend) - my eyes look slightly poached and have red roadmaps tracing wine bottle labels, skin blotchy, bloated all over.  Not a good look for me 
• My marriage - even though Mr. SR is okay with me drinking (and even kind of likes it), I am not the wife and partner I want to be
• My work - productivity and quality suffer with hangover and related issues; I am a vastly better ______ when I am sober, and I do it well and thoughtfully.  Not so much when I am hungover, drunk, getting ready to be that way
• Just my overall self - I LIKE ME BETTER SOBER.

So there you (I) have it.  I want to do this, I have done it before and I can do it again.  I WILL do it again.  Starting today.  I have a plan for this 24 hours and I will stick to it.Mr. SR is taking me for dim sum this morning and then I will buckle down for the afternoon (never was a day drinker, it's wine o'clock that really moves in on me); gonna order Jason Vale's book on my kindle and start that.  I may be back on the blogs (with a vengeance) as the day goes on but whatever it takes.  I may call my first AA sponsor.  I may eat a lot and drink gallons of fizzy water and watch stupid TV.  But I won't drink today.   

And...to all the sober bloggers who put up inspirational posts this morning and who stayed sober last night, last week, last year, last decade - THANK YOU :) and Happy New Year.  I wish all of us the best for 2015.

Hugs, 

SR