Substituting Gratitude For Grief

Sounds profound, right?  First, I must give attribution - Sherry said it to me, I didn't come up with it on my own, thanks Sherry!  When I stopped drinking the first time around, grief was a big part of it - grieving the 'losses': the romanticized notions of chilled sauvignon in crystal stem on a warm day or a big fishbowl of robust cabernet on a chilly night, the idea that I could no longer 'party' or have 'fun', the acceptance that I have a 'disease' that requires constant vigilance and perpetual ego management to keep it from killing me, and a long series of 'sacrifices' associated with giving up alcohol. 

While AA helped a lot in certain respects, some of the more rigid doctrine/dogma did NOT help: the part about the more days we are away from a drink the closer we get to a drink; the idea that character defects are the core of an alcoholic's existence and they will always be there, festering, never diminishing but just being squelched one day at a time; that if I did not make X number of meetings in a given week and do X number of phone calls and perform X amount of stepwork or do an inventory or whatever, I was really just a dry drunk and in imminent danger of falling into the nearest vat of wine.  Those concepts kind of reinforced the grieving,  like I had to define my whole existence in terms of my status as a recovering alcoholic/active member of AA, and I could only be as 'good' as I was relative to those checklists. I am not AA bashing, it has many redeeming characteristics and it helped me get sober the first time and learn a lot about how to stay that way and live life sober.  But as a long term proposition, it began to feel more negative than positive for me.  

I DID learn a lot about the power of gratitude, though...and I didn't lose that info during my year long relapse.  For which I am grateful!  And I am grateful that I have been continuously sober since January 3 of this year.  I am also happily sober, not grieving any losses this time around.  And...I don't feel guilty for not calling my sponsor, not being at the homegroup and three other meetings, and not doing whatever other stepwork/homework that was 'suggested.'  IF I were trying to scale that slope right now, I would have failed miserably. 

The last three weeks have been unbelievably busy and hella stressful...I 'auditioned' for a promotion of sorts, and although I passed the audition previously (but didn't make the final cut), this time around I didn't even get the callback - and the audition 'process' is hugely challenging, monumental preparation and a high stakes interview with a whole bunch of people grilling me - did that Monday; Tuesday had a big professional appearance that also required a lot of preparation and was watched closely by clients, etc; Weds had to turn in a giant written project; the preceding weekend was an out of town professional conference (with plenty of boozing disguised as networking, not by me, thanks...did indulge in a massage, though, lovely :)).  And now I am studying intensely to take a professional certification exam (all day test) next Friday.  Did I mention my three kids who have all manner of stuff going on?  One of them asked me if they should call an Uber to take them to the dr's office...It's been a wild few weeks.  I have been running hard, and stressed, and tired, and frustrated occasionally - all the things that wine smooths out (or I used to think it did).  But I really haven't wanted to drink - a couple of fleeting thoughts, but not a serious desire.  On the contrary, actually - it's been pretty easy to recognize the wolf and just ignore him.

This probably sounds circular and self-serving but it's my blog so I can say it anyway: I am grateful that I get to be and stay sober WITHOUT having to be daily accountable like AA really encourages.  I haven't been emailing Belle like she asks people to do on the 100 day challenge; I haven't blogged or commented (although I've done a bit of late night surfing); and I've had only a tiny bit of contact with my sober blogging buddies in the last few weeks.  Not because I don't want to or think I can go forever without the support I get in the sobersphere, but because I just have not had the time or energy to do it, not even a little bit.  

And that's okay.  I'm okay.  I'm just doing life, sober.  I won't always be this busy, but I am grateful to have the opportunities that make me this busy right now - it beats the shit out of the alternative, which is not having a good job and good opportunities to advance professionally.  And I am grateful that I have three beautiful, sassy, funny, smart, independent teenagers who put up with Mom running in six different directions and even kind of understand that part of why I do it is to provide for them. So I've wanted to spend the little bit of down time that I've had in these crazy weeks talking to whichever kid had something to say, or doing a little OT baking or whatever.  Not running to an AA meeting because I 'had' to be there or even putting up a blog post so I could 'stay in touch.'  I am grateful for the perspective on that, and grateful that however and whyever it works, it's working and I am free and grateful to be free of the desire to drink - not making any sacrifices or grieving any losses, but embracing the gains and the benefits of life sober.  And the rough edges...which don't get smoothed out, but only get sharper, by the addition of booze. 

So that, my friends, is why substituting gratitude for grief is what it's all about for me today.  A relatively small shift in perspective - really just a thought - with huge benefits. If you are feeling down and despairing over not drinking, try turning on a bit of gratitude and see what happens.  Maybe it will help.  What's the worst that can happen?  

Hugs,

SR