Argh, another white knuckle night and it's early!

This is perilously close to a big part of where I started drinking after 2.5 years of sobriety.  My eldest and my hubs (her stepdad) just cannot get along, and it is UGLY in the house when they are at active war.  A lot of the time, she just hides in her room (that's not good either but it goes a long way to maintain peace), but every now and then something happens and it's just pervasive/unescapable. She's in the peak of adolescence so a lot in the way of misbehavior, rebellion, defiance; he is the King of the Castle and honestly just does.not.like her, not one bit.  I am so, so weary of this.  I was weary of it at the end of 2012, didn't pick up booze til almost end of 2013 - that numbed out a lot of the warfare, smoothed some of the rougher edges, just helped me not care - they call it fuckitol for a reason, right?

And yes, there's been the requisite parade of therapists,etc.  The good news is daughter got some benefit from some of it; bad news is hubs refuses to participate.  Clapping with one hand is impossible.

So they are at active war, I don't even fully understand the bona fides of the underpinnings, although I am pretty sure neither one is right or an angel.  I am also well aware of who the adult is, and it's not her.  And that I am her only active parent.  Do I have to divorce him to do the right thing by her?  Do I stay with him and know that she's getting a raw deal?  Or am I even asking the right questions?  Will see shrink next week...not soon enough.  I wonder if he could just move in my house for a while?  Haha, then he'd go crazy too.

Trying very hard to remember that not drinking is the best (only) way to handle this and be the responsible parent, mom, wife and adult that I want and need to be and can't be if I'm drunk/drinking.  But I am shaking with apprehension at what I know is going to be an awful night, and just crying with advance anger/fear/heartbreak.  For my daughter, for my other kids, and a little bit for me too.  Life's not fair and we don't all make good decisions all the time.  I don't trust myself enough to make any BIG decisions right now, so the one (0nly) decision I can make (MUST make) is not to drink tonight.  It's hard.  It would be easier to drown this in a bottle of cab.  I can't, I know that.  I won't.

 Feel very weak and lonely, not to mention raw and just awful upset.  Off to get started on my liter of tonic and probably my weight in chocolate.  I'd welcome any comments or insight or support tonight or whenever.  Or even just positive vibes - I need them!  Thanks for listening. 

Hugs, 

SR