One month

30 days. Yup, that's all.  Nothing terribly earthshattering to report; just not drinking and enjoying most of the sober time, no hangovers, sleep, presence of mind, productivity, better interactions with kids, all that good stuff.  Only a couple of meaningful crave-y moments, but they were moments, not multiple hours or days, and so far it's been easy enough to just say 'nope, not today.'

It is vastly easier when Mr. SR doesn't drink in the house (he usually drinks in the house, he usually drinks almost every day, albeit not to wretched excess most of the time). He started out as dry Jan, which DID make Day 1 and the first couple of days easier, and it's just nicer overall not to live with a daily drinker (god, my poor kids...).  Within a week or so he bobbed/weaved into 'only drinking when not in house' and by last week, he'd hit the standard 'it's just a couple of beers/glasses of wine.'  I know it's my issue, not his, but urgh.  That's the thing about sobriety - you know when everyone/anyone else is drunk, even when they don't.  And they are NOT as funny as they think they are, plus they repeat themselves and forget the conversations they've had.  Not to mention potentially irrational, irascible, stuff like that.  I guess I should be working on conjuring up some empathy - I've been drunk just a few times (yeah, more than that) and sometimes even when Mr. SR wasn't, and I have been the beneficiary of other people's generosity of spirit (including Mr. SR's, and let's not even think too much right now about all the years my kids had tipsy (or just plain drunk) mommy around and they definitely weren't able to join me to make it easier to ignore me).

So, I dunno.  It's okay for today (in part because I am on a biz trip; dinner was a client guzzlefest but I could leave that after 2 hours, knowing I was coming back to my nice quiet hotel room and my very own special dessert just for me, not shared with the dinner companions).  And I did 2.5 years sober with him drinking so I think (hope) I can keep it up.  But if I am honest with myself, a lot of how I just gave up the last two times is I just got tired of NOT drinking while he IS drinking.  What do we numb/anesthetize with booze - in my case, that's one of the things...if I am drinking too, it's not nearly as irritating that he is (it's not irritating at all, obviously).  But I don't want to drink as a means of avoiding his boozing.  And of course, he is not ONLY a drinker.  He's basically a really good guy with a big heart, a generous spirit, and lots of other great things, and I love him.  But he's a boozer, he's been one for several decades, and he has little interest (none) in eliminating alcohol from our house or from most of his days.    

Any words of wisdom? I'd love to hear them...





         

Three Weeks

Well, there you (I) have it.   Nothing earth-shattering, just a few itchy early days and then doing the 'slow walk' of remembering why not to drink.  Not thinking about whether I can moderate (I can't), why it's not fair (life's not fair, but for me it's better sober), when I might drink again (hopefully not anytime soon, preferably never, but at least not in the next decade), what will happen tomorrow/whether some other human or organization will or will not behave the way I want them to (they probably won't but I have no control, so why waste the energy), and other similar questions I already know the answers to.  Trying to think about today, how much better I feel after a night of sober sleep (19 nights of sober sleep, the first 2 were a little rocky :)), how fortunate I am in almost all things in life (not grateful for Donald Trump, but almost everything else is pretty good), and how to stay on an even keel/avoid overwhelm, which I have concluded is a major trigger for me.  May devote an entire post to that one, but for today, suffice to say that's a biggie.

Happy Sunday!

No more dress rehearsals

Well, I'm back.  Regrettably not to report that 2015 was a stellar and 100% sober year - 2015 was overall pretty stellar, but the 100% sober part not so much.  Go figure - stellar life and still can't dehydrate the wolf.  I 'drifted' about 2.5 months in last year, and then more or less sunk into the lather, rinse, repeat cycle of pretend moderation that is simply not workable.

Day 7.  Trying again - third time hopefully will be the charm.  I want it to be the charm since I'm turning 55 this year and only have so many days left on this planet.  No more dress rehearsals, you know?  Gotta get it right in THIS life, this time around.

Not a lot else to add today that would make a lot of sense, but I'm here and I want to be here and be sober.  Working on making it a great day and a sober weekend.  Hope you are too!

Hugs,

SR