The last day....

Of 2014?  Of drinking?  Of this too-long relapse?  Of too many hangovers?  Of being a disappointment to my children and to myself?

Or is tomorrow the first day?  Of sobriety?  Of being lighter and clearer?  Of being free of guilt and shame and not being sick and tired?

I am hoping to put down the drink for good starting tomorrow, or at least over the weekend.  I know that sounds lame since if I was really ready, so what that it's New Years Eve?  When better to quit than right now?  I guess I'm just making excuses to put it off - Mr. SR has a whole big plan for the two of us to stay in tonight, drink a bottle of bubbles with neighbors, eat lobster, etc.  And I just don't have the guts to do the 'quick break.'

But I am hopeful and inspired.  I am hopeful because Mr. SR indicated some willingness to go along with an AF house for the first few weeks of 2015, and that would make things so much easier for me.  

I am inspired by so many sober blogs - especially those published by women like me who are struggling with getting off/on/off/on the 'sober car': No More Sally and Annie at a Dappled Path are in the same boat as I am, and it's so nice to know I am not alone.  From my prior tenure in AA, I remember one of the concepts was that people with a few days sober (or no days sober) really drew the most inspiration from those who were only a few days or weeks (as opposed to months or years) ahead of them.  I think that's true, for me at least.  Of course, the long-timers have plenty of experience and wisdom to share and it's wonderful, but there's something to be said for knowing that you are not alone.  That someone else is going through the same thing at the same time, in same or similar circumstances.  I am going to hold onto that for inspiration and hope.

So I've dipped my toe in a couple of other blogs, and I feel hopelessly incompetent.  I am a great lurker and a good one on one emailer but this blogging is like trying to swim in a fur coat!  I've been trying for half an hour to get the links right for Sally and Dappled - no luck :(.  I guess it's a skill that develops with time and practice.  A lot like getting sober and staying that way.  

I hope 2015 is the year I perfect that skill.  I hope to see the other sober bloggers having it stick for them in 2015 too.

I'll check in later or in the next few days.  Until then, ciao and Happy New Year.  

         

 

Moving towards Day 1

Still not there. Today has been pretty productive - scheduling appointments for kids to dentist, dr, etc; got a fair amount of real work done; tidying up house post-Christmas.  A glimmer of a day without the black fog of hangover - I miss those.  Didn't drink a lot last night...prior hangover or tapering or both?  Pretended to myself that half a bottle of wine is 'moderating' but didn't like moderating anyway.  It's easier just not to start.  I know this.  Really I do.

One of the things that is going to be hard (again) is dealing with Mr. SR.  He drinks just about daily, somewhat heavily but generally in a 'controlled' fashion - ie, he has 2 or 3 beers or glasses of wine, maybe one more, then he quits for the night.  He occasionally gets a lot further ahead of that, but usually when he's out with the guys, not when he's hanging out with me/at home.  But he likes having me drink with him.  He never really understood why I went to AA/quit in the first place - 'you're not that bad'; 'you can just have 2 or 3 wines, right, why not?'; you get the idea.  He's certainly not responsible for my problem with alcohol but he sincerely does not understand it either.  And it seems like it would be lot easier if he'd be willing to just get it of the house for a month or two.  He's not.  I went thru that the first time around. Besides, if we took it out of the house, he'd just stop at the bar on the way home and having him come home tipsy is a bit grating, too - I remember this also from the first time around. 

I have to convince myself that I can refrain from putting alcohol in my system no matter what anyone else is doing.  Even if they live and sleep with me.  They aren't going to pour it down my throat, I am the only one who does that.  

I dread going through this part of it again.  That's part of why I am putting off Day 1 until after New Year's - a convenient temporal excuse.  But I appreciate having a 'bright' day today to give me a reference when I get to Day 1 in a few days.  Maybe Sunday.  

Until then....hoping it gets here.  Figuring out how to work in Blogger :).                

Today is not day 1 for me, I'm hoping day 1 (and a few more) will materialize in a few days.  I was sober for over 2.5 years, started out with a pretty strong commitment to AA, but became a bit disenchanted after a year or so (more on that later).  Picked up a glass of wine a little more than a year ago, and - surprise - just like it was before.  No such thing as a glass or two for me - go big or don't go!  Once that first glass is in, it's a bottle, maybe a bottle and a half.  Once I start it, I can't control it and I know the only way to regain/maintain control is to PUT IT DOWN and out of my life.  It's hard.  And since I am high-functioning (full time successful professional; mom to three teens; wife to a good husband; no car wrecks, DUIs, no job/law/money problems - no obvious consequences), it's easy to hide behind the 'happy social' veneer.  But there's nothing happy or social behind the veneer: isolated, hungover, feeling less than I know I can be, knowing I am a disappointment to my kids and to myself.  Putting this up here to try to get back in the sobriety groove.  It's the middle of the holidaze/silly season, and I don't think I'll get there before New Years.  Trite I know....but true.  And I want to work from a place of truth.  So that's where I am today - I am not where I want to be but I know I want to go there and this might be a place to start the journey.