How is it Thursday night already?? This week has flown by in a frenzy of mostly work-driven busy-ness, with a bit of domestic chaos (computer network collapsed, got a new pet that has caused all manner of commotion with existing pets and other household residents, kids have mid-term exams, stuff like that). The new pet has made me occasionally question whether I've gone from drunk to just plain crazy, but my son earnestly made a case for why he wanted and would take care of this new addition, and I am seeing that he quite possibly was right about it. So maybe just a little crazy and maybe kind of a good thing. Time will tell.
It's been almost a week since my last post, but I've been 'drive-by' lurking on the sobersphere in my spare moments - sort of like fast food grazing on little tidbits of inspiration, reinforcement and good humor. This online community is a real gift. A few folks even checked on me this week since I've
been 'absent,' and that makes me feel cared for and accountable - I really REALLY appreciate and love that.
I just counted (since I am not compulsively tracking the days, which somehow makes it seem like they are going faster and easier, or maybe it's just this week's frenzy) and it's the end of Day 12. I feel liberated, peaceful and happy, despite the wacky week. I had to attend a work cocktail reception this evening and I honestly was not at all tempted or annoyed that others were throwing back wines with wild abandon. I WAS a bit annoyed that there was no tonic water or even any seltzer/club soda, but I managed to suck down sugary Sprite and enjoy all the yummy hors d'oeuvres (something I rarely managed when I was throwing back wines with wild abandon at cocktail receptions). Tonight I realized that I didn't WANT to drink; what I WANTED was to leave after about an hour of dopey small talk with mostly strangers. So I did.
Newsflash: It's okay to go to a cocktail party and leave after an hour. Normal drinkers do that a lot, like after their first or second wine. It's even okay to go and not drink alcohol, and I am not the first or only person ever to do that (another revelation, haha). I NEVER did that, always stayed longer than I meant to and drank more than I intended, and usually just drank more when I got home to recover from the 'anxiety' of the party. We won't even get into some of my more memorable jackass shenanigans that started with the office/business cocktail affair. Yeah, that was fun. Not really. Not at all. And especially not afterwards.
I'm happy to have the perspective I have tonight. Hope it stays with me for the next time I have to go to a drinking event, or whenever Wolfie starts whispering lies about how just one or two would be okay, just this once. I haven't been hearing him the last few days, but I have been reading about how he's stalking one of my sober sisters. I wish he would just leave her the hell alone! He is a big fat liar and bearer of misery. He's quiet in my world tonight and I am very grateful for that. I hope he stays away from all of you too, and that everyone is off to a nice sober weekend with lovely sleeps and bright-eyed, clear skinned hangover free wake-ups.
Hugs,
SR
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Friday, January 9, 2015
One week!
Well, that's it - a whole week sober for the first time since October 2013. And it's been a doozy of a week: crazy biz trip which included being around a fair amount of drinking people as well as usual biz trip stressors. I have consumed enough tonic water to insure that I will be malaria immune for the rest of my life! I didn't really know that I liked tonic water but I do. Maybe there is something to Belle's theory of bitter is better. Anyway, that's my #1 mocktail for now, with or without lime.
The week thing is interesting as a function of counting days. When I got sober the first time, the day counting was huge as it typically is in AA - single digit days, 30 day chips, 60 day chips, 90 day chips, etc to the grand finale of the 1 year medallion, with cake and everything. I really liked getting those little pieces (and the cake, or in my case because the home group met in the am, it was breakfast pastries) and I was compulsive about the day/week/month/year counting. But it was always like I was counting the time I had been depriving myself, successful in avoiding a temptation or made some sort of sacrifice (wearing of the hair shirt, carrying the cross, I dunno...but a subtle negative connotation).
This time around, I think I don't care so much about the day count. Obviously Day 1 was key (so much so I had to do it more than once to get it right, haha), and I think the first couple of days are just so touchy that it's hard not to be hyperaware of the time that's passed/what time it is. And of course, I don't think I'll just forget that I stopped drinking on January 2, 2015. But I do think the perspective of 'I am happily free of the beast and I DON'T want it even though I CAN have it' (mangling my interpretation of Jason Vale's message) lends itself to more of a positive and empowered focus than 'I've got a disease that wants to kill me but I've managed to conquer it for this many 24 hrs by not doing something I really want to do.' Does this make any sense?
Anyway, I am happily free of the beast today and I've felt that way for the last few days (it's not like a week is an eternity anyway, maybe in a few days I'll have that hair shirt on). And of course any period of sobriety is worth celebrating for someone who struggled with putting the drink down, so I'm not knocking milestones (or day counts for that matter). I just feel a different perspective and I think it augurs well for me to feel good and strong and happy with not drinking, that it's a choice I have made and am happily and voluntarily living with. Not something I 'must' do because I have a disease.
I like Vale's theory that the disease stops once you stop feeding it (ie, addiction is only a sickness as long as you are taking the drug; if you stop taking it, you stop/cure the disease). It's really just how I think about it - either way, the name of the game is not drinking, and whatever thought process works to that end is a successful one.
It's not just the thoughts though. What's been really great for me this time is really knowing I am not alone and that there are lots of women all over the world very much like me doing very much the same thing for very much the same reasons under very similar circumstances. That was something that I just never really found in AA. There were NOT very many women who had teenage (or any) kids living at home. There were a lot of other kinds of people and a lot of them didn't have jobs. Some did, but more didn't. And I found both of those differences meaningful after a while. They say not to compare but to identify, but I felt there were at least as many differences as common identifiers - with VERY limited exception, the only real thing I had in common with most of the folks in AA was a problem with alcohol. So here in the sobersphere, I feel much more surrounded by people I can REALLY relate to on that level as well as the other aspects of our lives - kids, jobs, husbands, friends, neighbors, socializing issues. I am grateful for and excited about that. It just feels more authentically supportive, I guess.
So I'm at the end of my first week sober and very happy to be there, and I'll remain generally aware of the days that pass, but I think I may drift away from counting them. We'll see. Now off to watch some silly TV and settle into my couch with cats and a kid or two, maybe some chocolate and probably a bit more tonic water :). I'll go to bed sober and wake up deliciously rested and bright eyed and happy to have a weekend! Sobriety rocks and so does the sobersphere. I hope everyone has a great sober evening and a lovely weekend!
Hugs,
SR
The week thing is interesting as a function of counting days. When I got sober the first time, the day counting was huge as it typically is in AA - single digit days, 30 day chips, 60 day chips, 90 day chips, etc to the grand finale of the 1 year medallion, with cake and everything. I really liked getting those little pieces (and the cake, or in my case because the home group met in the am, it was breakfast pastries) and I was compulsive about the day/week/month/year counting. But it was always like I was counting the time I had been depriving myself, successful in avoiding a temptation or made some sort of sacrifice (wearing of the hair shirt, carrying the cross, I dunno...but a subtle negative connotation).
This time around, I think I don't care so much about the day count. Obviously Day 1 was key (so much so I had to do it more than once to get it right, haha), and I think the first couple of days are just so touchy that it's hard not to be hyperaware of the time that's passed/what time it is. And of course, I don't think I'll just forget that I stopped drinking on January 2, 2015. But I do think the perspective of 'I am happily free of the beast and I DON'T want it even though I CAN have it' (mangling my interpretation of Jason Vale's message) lends itself to more of a positive and empowered focus than 'I've got a disease that wants to kill me but I've managed to conquer it for this many 24 hrs by not doing something I really want to do.' Does this make any sense?
Anyway, I am happily free of the beast today and I've felt that way for the last few days (it's not like a week is an eternity anyway, maybe in a few days I'll have that hair shirt on). And of course any period of sobriety is worth celebrating for someone who struggled with putting the drink down, so I'm not knocking milestones (or day counts for that matter). I just feel a different perspective and I think it augurs well for me to feel good and strong and happy with not drinking, that it's a choice I have made and am happily and voluntarily living with. Not something I 'must' do because I have a disease.
I like Vale's theory that the disease stops once you stop feeding it (ie, addiction is only a sickness as long as you are taking the drug; if you stop taking it, you stop/cure the disease). It's really just how I think about it - either way, the name of the game is not drinking, and whatever thought process works to that end is a successful one.
It's not just the thoughts though. What's been really great for me this time is really knowing I am not alone and that there are lots of women all over the world very much like me doing very much the same thing for very much the same reasons under very similar circumstances. That was something that I just never really found in AA. There were NOT very many women who had teenage (or any) kids living at home. There were a lot of other kinds of people and a lot of them didn't have jobs. Some did, but more didn't. And I found both of those differences meaningful after a while. They say not to compare but to identify, but I felt there were at least as many differences as common identifiers - with VERY limited exception, the only real thing I had in common with most of the folks in AA was a problem with alcohol. So here in the sobersphere, I feel much more surrounded by people I can REALLY relate to on that level as well as the other aspects of our lives - kids, jobs, husbands, friends, neighbors, socializing issues. I am grateful for and excited about that. It just feels more authentically supportive, I guess.
So I'm at the end of my first week sober and very happy to be there, and I'll remain generally aware of the days that pass, but I think I may drift away from counting them. We'll see. Now off to watch some silly TV and settle into my couch with cats and a kid or two, maybe some chocolate and probably a bit more tonic water :). I'll go to bed sober and wake up deliciously rested and bright eyed and happy to have a weekend! Sobriety rocks and so does the sobersphere. I hope everyone has a great sober evening and a lovely weekend!
Hugs,
SR
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Day 4 ending on a good note :)
I am trying to orient away from 'it's a burden/sacrifice/torture' to 'not-drink' and orient in the direction of 'it's great to be alcohol (and hangover) free and why would I pour a poisonous, addictive substance down my throat anyway'? You might see a little Jason Vale here...I'm about halfway through his book and really liking his message. Not to AA bash, but I like the counterpoint to the concept that if you identify as having a problem with alcohol, you are an ego-driven mess who will always be broken and can hope only for a reprieve in 24 hour units that are doled out almost like a penance. If you do enough penance, you might get to be happy, joyous and free. But according to Vale, you can be happy, joyous and free RIGHT NOW - just by kicking the addictive poison to the curb and getting on with life as it happens, sometimes great, sometimes so-so, sometimes stormy. I like that concept, and after a few days without drinking, it does get easier not to reflexively just pick up, or maybe the 'cravings' just subside. And I know from my long term sober stint that everything DOES get better without alcohol, and that no problem or unpleasant situation I've ever had was ever solved or improved by adding alcohol. Quite the contrary. Anyway, I'm rambling, but the point is I like the idea of I'm happy and free NOW, not at some time in the future after I've done some allotment of penance.
So today I AM happy and free. I had an unexpected positive development on the work front that will be a near term challenge with a potential meaningful reward, and I am excited about that. And my sober penpal (you know who you are :), thank you!) helped me remember that the VERY BEST way to meet this challenge will be sober! I also have a biz trip thru the rest of the week, which I am not that excited about because where I am going is COLD, but which will be a good work experience and not a difficult 'not-drinking' situation; I'm thankful for that. I may not post for the next couple of days because I may just run out of time, but I'll update by the end of the week at latest.
Off to my tonic and lime (this week's mocktail, which I'm enjoying even though it's kind of plain), and to feed the masses. Witching hour is just beginning but I feel stronger today than I have in the previous days; I think it will be okay :). I KNOW it will be okay as long as I keep the poison out of me.
I am so grateful and happy for all the support I have received in the sobersphere. Thank you all! I hope everyone has a great sober evening and night.
Hugs,
SR
So today I AM happy and free. I had an unexpected positive development on the work front that will be a near term challenge with a potential meaningful reward, and I am excited about that. And my sober penpal (you know who you are :), thank you!) helped me remember that the VERY BEST way to meet this challenge will be sober! I also have a biz trip thru the rest of the week, which I am not that excited about because where I am going is COLD, but which will be a good work experience and not a difficult 'not-drinking' situation; I'm thankful for that. I may not post for the next couple of days because I may just run out of time, but I'll update by the end of the week at latest.
Off to my tonic and lime (this week's mocktail, which I'm enjoying even though it's kind of plain), and to feed the masses. Witching hour is just beginning but I feel stronger today than I have in the previous days; I think it will be okay :). I KNOW it will be okay as long as I keep the poison out of me.
I am so grateful and happy for all the support I have received in the sobersphere. Thank you all! I hope everyone has a great sober evening and night.
Hugs,
SR
Monday, January 5, 2015
Day 3!
Which is one day further than than I got last week after starting New Year's Day as Day 1. Feeling pretty good today, despite cranky teens not wanting to go back to school, braces coming apart, sick, etc. Went to Cross Fit this am, which definitely helps. Read some more Jason Vale last night, which also definitely helps. And checked in with many sober bloggers which definitely, definitely helps. Thank you all!!
Now must just get through the rest of Monday without thinking that I am actually missing out on something by not being able to guzzle a bottle of wine while preparing dinner. I know I am NOT missing out on anything (except an ugly hangover and crappy day tomorrow); instead I am gaining something(s): being present with aforementioned cranky teens, a good sleep (not the pass-out/wake up at 3 am in cold sweat with catbox mouth kind of 'sleep'), and feeling good about me and living in my life without pouring poison down my throat.
The witching hour will be challenging, probably, so I have a rescue kit on hand of crunchy snacks, fizzy AF drinks and chocolate. That's okay, though, it beats the wine. And it is true that the witching hour phenomenon does decrease after 7 pm. It just does, if you hang in long enough.
Looking forward to the rest of today and to Day 4. Wishing you all a great sober day!
Hugs,
SR
Now must just get through the rest of Monday without thinking that I am actually missing out on something by not being able to guzzle a bottle of wine while preparing dinner. I know I am NOT missing out on anything (except an ugly hangover and crappy day tomorrow); instead I am gaining something(s): being present with aforementioned cranky teens, a good sleep (not the pass-out/wake up at 3 am in cold sweat with catbox mouth kind of 'sleep'), and feeling good about me and living in my life without pouring poison down my throat.
The witching hour will be challenging, probably, so I have a rescue kit on hand of crunchy snacks, fizzy AF drinks and chocolate. That's okay, though, it beats the wine. And it is true that the witching hour phenomenon does decrease after 7 pm. It just does, if you hang in long enough.
Looking forward to the rest of today and to Day 4. Wishing you all a great sober day!
Hugs,
SR
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Day 2 again and a good start
So I didn't get to Day 3, having 'slipped' into Mr. SR's bottle of wine on Friday night. Of course I felt awful all the way around, but once I started 'chatting' with some of you I felt better in that many have shared my experience of multiple Day 1's and everyone gave me support and encouragement to just start over and not beat myself up too much. Thank you everyone in the sobersphere!!
So yesterday as Day 1 wasn't too bad. Mr. SR has decided to be AF at least for a while and that helps. I know it's MY problem, my journey, but having wine all over my kitchen and literally right up in my face is a challenge I'd really like to put off for at least a few days. Very grateful for that, hope it lasts a little while.
I laid in a little sobriety rescue kit for the evening - a fair amount of chocolate and Mrs. D's recent concoction of ginger, lime and seltzer. Got myself a sober penpal - awesome! - thank you, you know who you are :). Was great to have a little email exchange at end of the evening. Went to bed early and read some more of Jason Vale's book, which I am enjoying. Very positive and affirming, and a very different perspective than AA. I like getting away a bit from the idea that I am fundamentally flawed and perpetually fighting, and moving to the idea that the real problem is alcohol, elimination of which really won't detract from anything and will improve everything. We all agree on that, right?? Yes, I thought so :).
Today is off to a good start - got up early and Mr. SR rallied the younger teens (older one sleeps until forever, gah) to help remove Christmas ornaments, tree, sweep mountains of needles out and even fully clean the garage - woo hoo! I love having the feeling of a really nice clean house and even an uncluttered, unjunked garage. A good start, at least metaphorically. Now off to do some errands with my younger daughter, something we both enjoy. And then I will prepare the big Sunday dinner for all, plus my bonus daughter and her hubs (who - wait for it, yippee - are both AF!!). So I feel good and strong and positive and ready to get to Day 3.
And I am most appreciative for all the comments, the support and the very fact that I know I am not alone. Thank you so very much my sisters in the sobersphere!
Hugs,
SR
So yesterday as Day 1 wasn't too bad. Mr. SR has decided to be AF at least for a while and that helps. I know it's MY problem, my journey, but having wine all over my kitchen and literally right up in my face is a challenge I'd really like to put off for at least a few days. Very grateful for that, hope it lasts a little while.
I laid in a little sobriety rescue kit for the evening - a fair amount of chocolate and Mrs. D's recent concoction of ginger, lime and seltzer. Got myself a sober penpal - awesome! - thank you, you know who you are :). Was great to have a little email exchange at end of the evening. Went to bed early and read some more of Jason Vale's book, which I am enjoying. Very positive and affirming, and a very different perspective than AA. I like getting away a bit from the idea that I am fundamentally flawed and perpetually fighting, and moving to the idea that the real problem is alcohol, elimination of which really won't detract from anything and will improve everything. We all agree on that, right?? Yes, I thought so :).
Today is off to a good start - got up early and Mr. SR rallied the younger teens (older one sleeps until forever, gah) to help remove Christmas ornaments, tree, sweep mountains of needles out and even fully clean the garage - woo hoo! I love having the feeling of a really nice clean house and even an uncluttered, unjunked garage. A good start, at least metaphorically. Now off to do some errands with my younger daughter, something we both enjoy. And then I will prepare the big Sunday dinner for all, plus my bonus daughter and her hubs (who - wait for it, yippee - are both AF!!). So I feel good and strong and positive and ready to get to Day 3.
And I am most appreciative for all the comments, the support and the very fact that I know I am not alone. Thank you so very much my sisters in the sobersphere!
Hugs,
SR
Friday, January 2, 2015
Day 2 and glowing already
Well, 'glowing' might be a little hyperbolic. But I am feeling brighter and I started off the day with a nice glowing green juice (aka glop) from my nutri-bullet. So much nicer than just gulping pints and pints of cold water to slake that hangover thirst. Yesterday was manageable, aided in large part by copious blog reading, some time on the Living Sober site and a fair amount of leftover holiday junk food. Also I went to bed early :) and read about a third of Jason Vale's book which I liked, sort of a nice antidote/counterpoint to the AA disease model. And for the first time in a long time, I did NOT wake up at 3 am with the sweats AND when I did wake up at 7, I felt good and clear headed. Lovely!
Reality is progressively marching back. No office today, but I have work to do at home (next week is a big week with travel, big presentation, all kinds of stuff) and I am trying to undo the chaos of Christmas, etc and pack all that away. Those tasks are so much easier to do un-hungover....the hangover lethargy is just lethal, and so painful. Today's freedom from it inspires me to 'live another day.' Sober that is.
It's not worth the hangovers, the lost nights, the ruined next days, the abject misery of it all. And for what? My last drinking days (hell, almost all of my drinking days, particularly after my sober stint) were plagued with guilt and shame from the first sip of wine. It didn't even taste or feel that good; it just operated to numb out some rough edges associated with a busy life - kids bickering, oh a glass of white will mute that a bit; Mr. SR is late for dinner or doing something annoying, a second glass will eliminate that irritation; stressed from work, let's transition to red; and now for the dinner, one more glass of red (for health benefits, haha or maybe to tune out the ongoing arguments of family members). Followed by yet another glass to tidy up and 'relax' from all the prior activity. Then the headachy going to sleep/passing out (always alarming to find that I cannot remember what I read on my kindle the night before), the 3 AM sweaty wake-up and the interminable hungover day to follow. Good riddance to all THAT!
So for today, I will just hold onto those memories and motivations and cobble another day on here. My kids come home tomorrow and they'll undoubtedly bring some emotional challenges (that's what three teenagers do), but I know I can roll with those so much better sober than I ever did drunk or hungover. I will stay strong and mindful.
Have a great sober day everyone!
Hugs,
SR
Reality is progressively marching back. No office today, but I have work to do at home (next week is a big week with travel, big presentation, all kinds of stuff) and I am trying to undo the chaos of Christmas, etc and pack all that away. Those tasks are so much easier to do un-hungover....the hangover lethargy is just lethal, and so painful. Today's freedom from it inspires me to 'live another day.' Sober that is.
It's not worth the hangovers, the lost nights, the ruined next days, the abject misery of it all. And for what? My last drinking days (hell, almost all of my drinking days, particularly after my sober stint) were plagued with guilt and shame from the first sip of wine. It didn't even taste or feel that good; it just operated to numb out some rough edges associated with a busy life - kids bickering, oh a glass of white will mute that a bit; Mr. SR is late for dinner or doing something annoying, a second glass will eliminate that irritation; stressed from work, let's transition to red; and now for the dinner, one more glass of red (for health benefits, haha or maybe to tune out the ongoing arguments of family members). Followed by yet another glass to tidy up and 'relax' from all the prior activity. Then the headachy going to sleep/passing out (always alarming to find that I cannot remember what I read on my kindle the night before), the 3 AM sweaty wake-up and the interminable hungover day to follow. Good riddance to all THAT!
So for today, I will just hold onto those memories and motivations and cobble another day on here. My kids come home tomorrow and they'll undoubtedly bring some emotional challenges (that's what three teenagers do), but I know I can roll with those so much better sober than I ever did drunk or hungover. I will stay strong and mindful.
Have a great sober day everyone!
Hugs,
SR
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Moderation Attempt Failed...again
Well, that's misleading - I knew it would never succeed. Because I had 25 years of trying to moderate before I got sober the first time in early 2011. So when I 'slipped' in late 2013, the wine (and Mr. SR) told me I could try to moderate -- after all, I had been 100% sober for 2.5 years, surely the willpower would work, right? Well if you are reading this, chances are you know that willpower goes down the drain with the first sip of wine. At least it does for me - the old saw about one is too many, and there is simply not enough to be enough is absolutely true.
So I'm trying again. Starting today. Well-equipped:
So there you (I) have it. I want to do this, I have done it before and I can do it again. I WILL do it again. Starting today. I have a plan for this 24 hours and I will stick to it.Mr. SR is taking me for dim sum this morning and then I will buckle down for the afternoon (never was a day drinker, it's wine o'clock that really moves in on me); gonna order Jason Vale's book on my kindle and start that. I may be back on the blogs (with a vengeance) as the day goes on but whatever it takes. I may call my first AA sponsor. I may eat a lot and drink gallons of fizzy water and watch stupid TV. But I won't drink today.
And...to all the sober bloggers who put up inspirational posts this morning and who stayed sober last night, last week, last year, last decade - THANK YOU :) and Happy New Year. I wish all of us the best for 2015.
Hugs,
SR
So I'm trying again. Starting today. Well-equipped:
- solid hangover - check, even have the shaky sweaty thing along with tom-tom club in head and unstable gut
- lots of leftover yummy holiday food and sweets - check
- plenty of AF treaty drinks (flavored pellegrino; sodas; fresh fruit to put in seltzer) - check
- THE DESIRE TO STOP THIS INSANITY NOW - CHECK.
- My kids - they need a reliable sober mom, not an unpredictable lurching drunk
- My health - my liver hurts; I feel like crap all the time and have budding gastro issues
- My looks (yes, hello vanity, you are a friend) - my eyes look slightly poached and have red roadmaps tracing wine bottle labels, skin blotchy, bloated all over. Not a good look for me
- My marriage - even though Mr. SR is okay with me drinking (and even kind of likes it), I am not the wife and partner I want to be
- My work - productivity and quality suffer with hangover and related issues; I am a vastly better ______ when I am sober, and I do it well and thoughtfully. Not so much when I am hungover, drunk, getting ready to be that way
- Just my overall self - I LIKE ME BETTER SOBER.
So there you (I) have it. I want to do this, I have done it before and I can do it again. I WILL do it again. Starting today. I have a plan for this 24 hours and I will stick to it.Mr. SR is taking me for dim sum this morning and then I will buckle down for the afternoon (never was a day drinker, it's wine o'clock that really moves in on me); gonna order Jason Vale's book on my kindle and start that. I may be back on the blogs (with a vengeance) as the day goes on but whatever it takes. I may call my first AA sponsor. I may eat a lot and drink gallons of fizzy water and watch stupid TV. But I won't drink today.
And...to all the sober bloggers who put up inspirational posts this morning and who stayed sober last night, last week, last year, last decade - THANK YOU :) and Happy New Year. I wish all of us the best for 2015.
Hugs,
SR
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